To Be With You
by myriassterre
Summary: Angel wrote Buffy a letter during NFA, what if he gave it to Connor should something happen to him? BA. ABANDONED.
1. The Promise

To Be With You

By Maddy

**Summary:** What if Angel gave Connor a letter during their chat in "Not Fade Away"? Who's it for, why did he do it and what's it all about?

**Rating:** From G to PG13. Implied stuff and probably and few swear words.

**Spoilers:** Just to be safe, everything ever, anything about B/A just to be safe.

**Timeline:** Explained, but after the series finale of Angel (which didn't make a B/A shipper like me fill with any hope).

**Disclaimer:** Own nothing of course Joss and co do.

**Distribution: **Tell me if you want it, if you have any of my other fic, just take it.

**Feedback:** Wanted, craved, needed and loved. As always.

**Author's Notes: **This idea came from "Not Fade Away". Minor or major TISSUE WARNING!!! (Character death) For those that want them.

(PAGE BREAK)

**PART ONE:** (This is all from Connor's POV, I've never written him before, but I'm just gonna make him pretty much the opposite of what he used to be before the big mind memory erase.)

I looked from the note in my hand to the building I was standing in front of. Well, it's the right place, but I didn't know he knew people this well off. Knew. Stupid past tense. I sighed, knowing this was going to have big consequences, not just for me, but for who I'm here to see. I really don't want to be doing this, but he made me promise, and I've always tried to keep my promises.

The building looked more like a castle than anything else, I didn't know why the address sent me here, I thought he said she lived in Rome, Italy, not in England, it's a different country for Christ's sake. But when I went to Rome looking for her with the address he had put on the envelope, she wasn't there, apparently she and her sister had moved a couple of months earlier.

I'd asked around, punched a few demons, asked a lot of questions and was sent to this dark-haired punk girl, who flirted with me a bit. I didn't tell her who I was or why I was looking for her, but she did ask who I was. I told her that I'm a friend of his, she seemed to drop the bad girl act after that and asked a lot of questions about how he and everyone else was doing, I answered as truthfully as I could without giving it all away. I didn't feel as though it was my place to tell her, I was a stranger and she obviously knew him and the other pretty well.

She gave me this address and I followed the directions and found myself here. I let out a long breath and knocked on the hard wood door.

_FLASHBACK_

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked reaching inside his coat.

"Sure, do you want me to give that Nina chick something?"

He smiled just a bit and shook his head. "No, I need you to give this to an old friend of mine." He took out an envelope, which was pretty thick and placed it on the table. Written on it was an address in Rome, Italy.

"Who?"

"Just a woman who lives there."

"Old girlfriend?"

"Something like that." He smiled again.

"Who is she?"

"No, I'm not telling, you'll find out eventually. Just give it to her if you don't hear from me in ten days, it means I'm dead, okay."

"You're awfully casual about all this."

"I've died a few times, Connor, came back a few times, you get used to talking casually about it." He suddenly became very serious. "Please, promise me you'll give this to her yourself, don't send it by mail or give it to someone else to give to her. She'll need you to be there, okay."

"You're starting to scare me, you're not going to die."

"No one can know that, not even the Senior Partners."

"I guess." I was a bit deflated, this was becoming a really depressing conversation. But I was still very interested in this mystery woman who lived in Italy. But felt this wasn't a topic I should press, I know of a girl they used to talk about before my memories were screwed up, and I knew then that I shouldn't talk to him about her.

Seemed like quite the sore spot, instead I looked at him. "Sure, no problem, how will I get there?"

"Just use the company jet, it's at the airport, threaten people's lives if you have to, but she has to get this letter and you have to be the one to give it to her."

Okay, he's finally lost it. This must be really important for him to let me threaten the safety of others just to deliver a letter to some girl.

"Thanks, Connor, this means the world to me."

And I believe you.

_FLASHBACK ENDED_

"Who is it?" came a female voice through the door.

"I need to talk to Buffy Summers."

"Again, I say, who are you?"

I smile at her caution, "I'm a friend of Angel's, he sent me."

There was silence then the door swung open, there stood a pretty girl about my age, maybe younger, she had long dark brown hair and green eyes.

"A friend of Angel's, why didn't he come himself?"

"He's unavailable at the moment, but he wanted me to give this to Buffy Summers." I pulled out the letter from my jacket pocket, and stuck my hand out for her to reach it.

She eyed the letter in my hand, then sighed and took the letter. "What's your name?"

"Connor."

"I'm Dawn, Buffy's sister." She smiled broadly and it made her eyes shine.

"Pleased to meet you, can you give this to her straight away, it's important."

"Sure, do you want to come in?"

"No, I'd better not."

"Okay, I'm not sure what to do now though."

"Just give her the letter. That's all."

"You're not trying to kill us through mail are you?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"No reason."

"It's okay I know about demons, how else would I know Angel?"

"Right, so what happened? You get attacked?"

"No, my family, Angel saved 'em."

"He's good at that."

"Yeah, he is."

"So I'll just give Buffy this, bye."

"Bye." But I knew the farewell wouldn't last long. She smiled again and closed the door, I was fully aware that Dawn was very suspicious of me, I wouldn't blame her. Not after all the things she must have seen.

So, I went and walked to a large tree in the front yard and sat down with my back against it. And there I sat waiting. Angel had told me that Buffy would need to see me, I'm not sure how he knew that, maybe he said something in the letter, told her to talk to me, I don't know. I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes, this is going to be hard.

Angel and Buffy meant something to each other, maybe they still do, but now that's he dust, how's she going to react?

I put my hand inside my jacket and pulled out an envelope, Angel had written me one too and had told me not to read it until after I had delivered Buffy hers. He told me that it would explain everything, and that I would need Buffy as much as she would need me. I don't understand, but Angel can be very cryptic and vague, but I'll read my letter, then wait for her to come and find me.

TBC…

Tell me what you thought, and I realise that I write too many character death fics, but I can't help it, I swear.


	2. Always Yours, Angel

**PART TWO:** (From Buffy's POV)

There was a knock on the door, I heard Dawn yell that she was going to answer it so I continued to do Tai Chi on the first story. Whenever I would do Tai Chi it always reminds me of Angel. He taught me how to do it right, to find my centre, but then he left and my centre went all wonky.

Dawn had opened the door and with my super-hearing I could hear voices, then the door closed. It's a little odd, we don't get many visitors apart from the Gang, and Xander doesn't even knock, he just lets himself in with his set of my keys. It seemed like a good idea at the time, to give the Gang their own set of keys if they ever needed to get in.

"Dawn, who was it?!" I yelled.

"Some guy who knows Angel." Replied Dawn coming up the stairs and into the open living area where I was. "He gave me this to give to you." She held in her hand a white envelope, from underneath Dawn's fingers I could see Angel's handwriting. "It's from Angel."

Dawn help out the envelope and I hesitantly took it.

"I didn't know you guys where still talking."

"We're not. Not really, anyway." The envelope flipped in between my fingers as I studied it, figuring out if I should open it or not. "Are you sure this isn't some-"

"Trap? Buffy, it's the mail. Besides, I asked Connor if he was trying to kill us through postage, he said he wasn't."

"And we just believe people we've never seen before? Dawn you know better than that."

"Yeah, I do. But there's something about him, I just don't know what…" Dawn got a far off look on her face as though searching for something. "Nope, not sure why. Just open it. I'm going to make myself a sandwich."

She then left, going back down the stairs. I again looked hard the envelope, should I open it? Should I, shouldn't I? I sat down in the armchair next to the window and again just looked at it, it could be important. Or he could just be saying that he was over me and didn't care if I was a cookie or not, or, thought my more hopeful side, he could've written that he'll always love me and will wait for me to be a cookie no matter how long it takes.

I still had some reservations with opening it, but since it's form Angel I owe it to him to see what he has to say. I turned the envelope over, ripped open the top bit and pulled out a letter, this is such an odd way for us to communicate, why didn't he just ring me? Because you've been a complete bitch to him, telling Andrew that you didn't trust him, knowing that he was in the country but didn't want to see him or Spike 'cause I was too busy with the Immortal.

I slumped into the seat, maybe I don't want to read what he has to say to me, maybe he is over me. I felt tears form in my eyes, I can't have him be over me, who will I be cookies for?

I unfolded the papers, and began to read

_To my dearest, Buffy._

_You're probably wondering why I've written to you, I'll explain don't worry and this isn't an attempt at not having to talk to you or to see you face to face. I wish for nothing more than to see your face, to touch you or hold you in my arms. But I can't, you're over there and I'm here. I've got a job to do, it's dangerous, but then again, all my jobs are._

_I'm going to ask how Dawn and everyone else is, I know that I'm avoiding the main point of this letter, but I don't think I can put down in words what I'm really thinking. So how is Dawn? Does she like Italy? How's your Italian? I remember Italy from back in the day, when Darla and I – no, I don't think I'm going to tell you that story._

_I love you, Buffy. I need you to know that, I'll always love you and I always have. You're still my girl to me, not Riley's, not Spike and not the Immortal's either. You might not agree, but I need you to know how I feel, 'cause I can't say this to you personally (though I realise that if I said this to your face, you might get pissed at me) . I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for whatever pain I've caused you, I wish I could take it all away, the pain, the loneliness, the slaying…everything._

_I've wanted you to be just a girl and for me just a boy for years, ever since I first saw you outside of Hemery, I loved you long before I ever saw you and all I wanted was to be with you. But we couldn't, we never could. And that breaks my heart just to think that._

_I'm sorry, I really am, for any pain that I may have caused you, I never meant to hurt you, but I know I have. But you hurt me too, this letter isn't about blame, or anything like that, I just needed to write this to you to say goodbye._

_God, I don't know how I could even write that, the mere thought if saying goodbye to you in any sense is killing me. Please, Buffy, believe me I don't want to say goodbye to you, I never want to say goodbye to you. God, I wish I could be with you always, I wish we could finally have the life we've always wanted. I wish I didn't have to wish for anything, I wish I already had it all._

_But when it comes to us it's never easy, is it? I didn't mean for this to happen, Buffy. I didn't want to leave you, but if you're reading this, then I have, and I'm sorry for that. There's a lot I need to tell you, a lot you need to understand. But please remember, that as you're reading this, I love you and I'll always be with you._

_The young man who delivered this letter, his name is Connor, and he's my son. Darla is his mother, I know you're wondering 'what the hell?!' There's these evil lawyers and they're in very deep with the dark magicks and really hate me, and they're the ones who brought Darla back, as a human. But she was dying of syphilis and Dru turned her. _

_During the whole time, I was sinking into a depression, I was getting obsessed with Darla and with finding her. I got to the lowest point when I fired Wes, Cordy and Gunn. There was this glove thingy, I wanted it, Darla did too. And when I got it, she came after me, and we…you know. I didn't lose my soul, though she thought I would because she thought it was just the sex that made me 'perfectly happy,' but it wasn't, it was you, it was always you._

_Then she showed up in LA, not long after you died (the second time) pregnant with Connor. She staked herself to bring him into the world, and I was a dad. I loved him instantly, but he was taken from me by an old enemy and spent some time in a demon dimension where time travels differently, so when he'd only been gone for a few weeks in this world, it was close to 17 years in the other dimension._

_He knows everything about me, and because I gave him a letter too (which is longer than yours, sorry), he'll know everything about you, and about us. I do love him, Buffy, even though I was never the best father to him. He's a good kid, I'm going to get him to explain to you all the other details because I don't have much time._

_I took over Wolfram and Hart because I believed that I could destroy them from the inside, and for other reasons that Connor will tell you. I never crossed over and it killed me to think that you didn't trust me. But I had to get over it, I had a job to do._

_There's this group called the Black Thorn, pretty much the most evil and powerful group in not only this dimension, but probably in a few other ones too. We need to eradicate them, we're going to separate them and kill them all. I don't know if I'm even going to live through that bit, because after that…I don't know._

_I'm planning on seeing Connor today, and I'm going to give him this letter. He'll only give it to you if he doesn't hear from me within ten days, 'cause that's mean I'm dead, dust…gone. So if you're reading this, please don't cry too much, okay. You won't be too fun to watch over from where I am if you're upset all the time, but that doesn't mean that you have to be happy about it either._

_I know that I'm being a bit jovial about me being dead, but I don't really want to think about it, I'm just trying to remember what your face looks like, your smile that would reach your green eyes and make them shine, how it felt to kiss you, to love you. I've tried to be strong, Buffy, I really have, but it's so much harder when you're by yourself. So promise me that you won't die alone, that you'll let someone love and love them back._

_I don't want to see you up here for a long time, Buffy. I do think I'm in heaven if I am dead, I think that somehow I deserve it, or that the powers that be owe it to me for not letting us be together. I was supposed to get my reward, there's this prophecy that says that the vampire with a soul will live to die, I'd be human. _

_But I never think that'll happen, I signed it away and now I'm dead._

_I love you, and I wanted to be human for you, because you were always my reward. I loved you, god, it seems like I always have. I know that I keep saying that, but I wish I could say it to you everyday, more than that. I know that you'll be able to survive, you're stronger than you realise, you have Dawn, Giles, Xander and Willow. And now you have Connor, too. I want you to know him, Buffy. I wanted it to be you who was his mother, I never wanted kids with anybody else, I never really let the thought enter my mind._

_Talk to him, Buffy, ask him questions. You'll need to asks questions, ask whoever you can. I don't know who will survive this fight, but I didn't obviously. Again with joking about this whole thing, I am sorry about this, all of it (imagine me holding out my arms), I want to take away the pain, but I know I'm just causing more._

_I need to say goodbye now, love. Wait, no I don't. I'm not going to say goodbye, just see you later, because I will see you again._

_I love you, never forget that there was someone on this earth that loved you more than life, unlife, itself, who would have died for you, and in some ways I did. But my love for you will last longer than time itself. I need you to know that, I need you to know that everyday because I won't be able to tell you ever again._

_You can cry if you want, you can laugh, scream, beat up a few demons. But don't you dare give up, don't let yourself die, you keep fighting. That's what I love most about you, you don't give up, you might hit the bottom, but you'll get back up._

_I will always love you, I will always be with you and forever is the whole point. And when you're time is up, I'll be here waiting for you._

_Always yours, Angel._

The letter fell to the floor, I looked at the ground because I couldn't look at anything else. My eyes don't seem to be working right, nothing seems to be working as it should be. I can't feel anything.

"I can't feel anything!" I screamed, grabbing the vase next to the chair and throwing it across the room, it hit the wall and smashed into thousands of pieces.

"Buffy, what was that?"

Right, Dawn. My sister, Dawn. Angel said that I had Dawn. Angel…No, god, no. don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead…

"Buffy?"

Now she's coming up the stairs, no she can't be. I can't have her see me right now, I can't deal with this, I can't. I need to, I need to…go.

I left the letter lying on the floor, I don't know how I managed to finish reading it when I knew he had died about halfway through. How did I keep reading? As Dawn climbed the stairs, I ran pass her, she tried to grab a hold of me but I was too fast.

I'm sorry, Dawnie, but I just can't do this. I can't, it can't be true, it can't be. Angel isn't dead, I didn't get that letter, Connor never had to deliver it, Dawn never opened the door and I'm still doing Tai Chi upstairs. But I wasn't and he is dead.

I pulled the door open and ran outside, it was day, there were only a few clouds in the sky, an odd occurrence in England. There's a boy sitting under the big tree, he's got his head in his hands, but I know that I've never seen him before.

He then looked up and stared at me for a few seconds, then his face lit up in sudden recognition. "Are you Buffy?"

"Are you Connor?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I'm Buffy."

"He said that I should talk to you."

"Funny, he said the same thing about you."

"So do you want to talk?"

I took a step back, suddenly talking with or to Connor wasn't such a good idea. I think I shook my head, I can't really feel much.

"Buffy…" he half rose from the ground before I ran again.

TBC…

You know the drill by now, right? Read and Review!


	3. Dawn

**PART THREE** (from Connor's POV) 

"Buffy!" I called after her, but, damn she's fast. I sighed and got to my feet, the letter from my father still in my hand. I tucked it back into my jacket pocket and went in search of my father's love.

It's strange to think of her as that, even though I know from his letter, that that's what she is to him and always will be. I have come to grips with the fact that my birth father has died, I have another one, who I do love and who does love me. But with Buffy…her and Angel are soulmates, I'm not sure how she's going to handle this.

"Buffy, where are you?" I called as I walked through the large lawns, looking behind trees, shrubs and a few large pot plants. No Buffy.

It seems so strange that this is how I'm meeting the famous Buffy Summers like this. I have to admit that I've always wondered about the girl who sent my father to Hell, but then my memory was altered and some other stuff happened before I forgot everything, stuff I don't really feel like going into right now. Things that I will have to explain to Buffy once I can get her to stay still and listen.

"Buffy!"

I yelled her name again and again, but still nothing. After nearly 20 minutes of looking for the slayer, I decided that I should give up for now. she doesn't need anyone hounding her as she's trying to figure out all the mess that's in her head.

Plus, she'll probably beat me up. I remember that Faith was much stronger than me, and from what I've heard Buffy is even stronger than her. Ouch.

"Yo, boy."

"Huh?"

Dawn suddenly stepped out from behind a large tree. "Are you Connor? Are you Angel's son?"

"Yeah," I said slowly. "And you're Buffy's sister."

"Depends how you look at it."

That I don't understand, "how did you sneak up on me? You're just a human."

She gave a short laugh and looked directly in my eyes, it was then that I realised she had been crying. "I've been doing this demon hunting thing for years now, you have to be a little stealthy."

"Right. Do you know where Buffy is?"

She shook her head, "is he really dead?"

"Yeah, well I think so. You know he would have come back if he could."

"I guess, but he always came back. Always. He was like a brother to me, but Buffy…even I don't know how she's going to handle this."

"That's bad."

"What do you know?" she spat at me, "you never saw them together, or her after he left, after Hell. You know nothing about them-"

"He told me some things, and more in a letter-"

"A letter! Who cares what was in the letter! What, he said that he loved her, then left her to slowly die! You know nothing about them! Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!" she then fell to the ground, crying, she sunk into a fetal position and continued to cry.

I felt bad for getting her angry, "Dawn…" I took a few steps towards her.

"Don't."

"Sorry, don't what?"

She lifted her head off the ground and sat up slowly, tears still falling from her eyes. "Don't try and make me feel better. I don't need someone to talk to right now, I don't want to talk to anyone. I love Angel, sure, but I'm not in love with Angel. It's not me you need to make feel better."

"Yeah, but I made you angry."

She laughed, "you really think I wouldn't be angry anyway. Angel's dead, and for real this time. I think I'll be angry, sad and depressed for a while. What you need to do is-"

"Talk to Buffy." I finished. Dawn nodded.

"But I don't think you're going to find her today. She'll come back here when she's ready to talk."

"Then what am I going to do till then?"

"Well, since Buffy's going to need you for a while, you should probably think about sticking 'round."

I blinked hard, "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not? You have somewhere else to be?"

"No not really, but…I-I just…" I took a breath, "this is weird, even for me. I don't know how I can help."

"You're part of him. Did anyone else survive the big fight?"

I shook my head.

"Then she's really going to need you to talk to." Dawn got to her feet, "so does that mean…Spike, is he really gone this time too?"

"Spike, oh, that blonde vamp. Yeah, he's dust now."

New tears filled Dawn's eyes. "Bloody hell." But she managed to smile slightly at me. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, didn't get much breakfast."

"Well, it's nearly lunch time and Buffy can't cook to save the world, not that it matters at the moment since she's gone AWOL. But I could make you a sandwich."

"That'll be good."

Once inside the huge kitchen in the huge house, I asked a question that has been bugging me a bit. "Does anyone else live here?"

"Kinda." Said Dawn pulling things out of the fridge. "Myself and Buffy live here fulltime. Giles, he's Buffy's Watcher, he lives in London to be closer to the HQ of the Watchers Council. Xander, Willow and Kennedy live here when their not on missions. But all are away at the moment, so you won't be meeting anyone new yet. But I do have to say that Giles will be very fascinated with your origins."

"That's something to look forward to, I guess."

After lunch Dawn took me to where I was going to sleep that night, it was a nice room with it's own bathroom and walk-in-robe.

"You sure about this?"

"Yeah, I could use the company anyway. I never get to go on any missions 'cause Buffy has forbidden it and she's always busy with her job at the Council, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about demons and of the like. But I do have to go and make some phone calls…the others they have to know ab-about Angel…"

I gave a slight nod, Dawn also nodded, then left the room.

"What have you gotten yourself into?" I asked myself, out loud I might add. "Angel, did you know this was going to happen? Did you know that Buffy would need me this much, that Dawn would? This is stupid," I mumbled falling backwards onto the bed.

How incredibly screwed up is my life? What am I going to tell my parents? 'Mom, Dad. I know I'm supposed to be in college, but right now I have to help my real dad's ex and her younger sister deal with his death.' Yeah, that'll go down real well.

A quick glance at the clock upon the mantle – wait, there's a fireplace in this room too – told me that it was only 1:14pm. Great, just great. What am I going to do for the rest of the day, and the day after that, and after that? How long will it take to get Buffy to deal with Angel being dead? I know that I'm supposed to want to help her, or maybe I'm just meant to be around so she can ask for help…I don't know, I don't really feel like thinking about it right now, it's making my head hurt.

I realised then that I should ring my parents and tell them where I am. Frankly, it's a conversation I'm not looking forward to. But I know I'm supposed to be here right now. I've always had a purpose, a lot of purposes, this is just another one I guess.

Oh, crap! Dawn's on the phone ringing up Angel's old friends to tell them that he's dead. I cringed, this sucks. My life used to be much less complicated. Ah well, I'll just have to ring my parents later.

TBC... thanks so much for all the wonderful feedback. The next update should be in a few days, Maddy


	4. Drunk and Crying

**PART FOUR: **(from Buffy's POV)

I hadn't been home in ages…hours. I don't think I can handle Dawn wanting to know what's up. And if Connor's still there…I shuddered at the thought of him trying to open up and grieve. You gotta be kidding me, this can't be happening again. Angel isn't dead, this is some weird joke that he's playing on me. Any minute now he'll jump out of the shadows and yell: 'boo!'

But he didn't, and he won't ever again.

I'm walking down one of the main streets in the nearest town, it's called something English sounding. My mind's kinda mush at the moment, so I don't think I'll be remembering any town names tonight.

"Angel…" I whispered softly. "Why do you keep doing this to me?"

He didn't answer, but I got a different message, a sign, really. Like a shining light in the dark it appeared: my salvation. A bar. Or pub as they call it here. Oh, sweet alcohol. Please numb the mind splitting pain.

I grinned to myself and walked over to the pub on the corner. I didn't have any money on me, I wasn't expecting to be out at night running from my grief, but I'm sure that I can get a well-off sap to buy me a drink.

_(page break)_

I hit the ground hard. A sound of pain escaped my lips, but I welcomed it anyway. Anything's better then feeling what I'm meant to be feeling. A man behind me laughed. I got to me feet and wobbled a bit. Yeah, I'm drunk. Very drunk. But I don't want to feel the grief anymore.

"Hey, darling." Said the man who was behind me, but was now standing in front of me. He was the one who bought me all my drinks. I'll have to thank him for that. "Where are you off to?"

"Home. My ex's son is there waiting for me. I'm supposed to cry. Pfft." I said waving my hand dismissively. "I don't think I want to be doing that."

"I don't think you should either." The guy reached forward to touch my arm. "How about you come home with me?"

"No. I don't want to do that either." I took a step back. "He died, you know. My Angel is a real angel now."

"Well then you'll need someone to help you get over it."

"And you think you're the person for the job, huh?" I leaned in close to his face. "Not in a million years."

"You were coming onto me." He said getting into my face. He's angry. I laughed inwardly, he doesn't know who he's messing with.

"I wanted you to buy me a drink. That's it, buddy. I'm not going to have sex with you. So back off." And I punched him hard in the face. He fell backwards unconscious. I giggled, he looked funny lying on the ground. Almost like he was dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Angel was dead.

I fell to the ground again. But this time, I was crying.

"You died. You son of a bitch. Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do you keep leaving? I can't – I can't do this without you. Who am I going to spend the rest of my life with? You were my everything, and you're gone. All I wanted was to be with you. Is that so hard?" I looked up at the sky. "You took him from me! You took him from me! Bring him back! Right now! Bring him back…"

"Buffy…is that you?"

"Connor?"

"Yeah." Said Angel's son stepping out of the dark. "Are you okay?"

"No. I'm a bit drunk. More than a bit, I think."

"No, I mean about-"

"Peachy, with a side of keen." I didn't mean it, god, I didn't mean it.

"You're lying, but whatever. Dawn sent me to find you. I never thought I'd find you here."

"You know nothing about me. We only just met a few hours ago." I got to my feet and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "You know nothing about me."

"I do know a lot about you. Angel wrote me a letter too. I think mines longer-"

"Shows how important I am, doesn't it?" I said laughing.

"It does. Nearly the whole thing is about you. What you mean to him. He said that I'd need you and you'd need me."

"Well, he was always telling people what to do. Making their decisions for them, why should it be different now that he's dead?" I could feel the bitterness in my voice.

"You'll regret saying that in the morning." Connor took a few steps closer to me. I felt the urge to run, but I might throw up if I do that. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"Where's home?"

"The manor. With Dawn."

"I remember when home was where Angel was. Can I go home?"

"No, Buffy. I'm not going to let you die. He'd want you to live. So live for him."

"Live…" I whispered. "For me."

"What?"

"No." I said shaking my head. "I'm not going to do this. Pretend that it's okay-"

"No one expects that."

"Maybe you don't. Maybe Dawn doesn't, but my friends…they think I'm over him. That I don't love him like I used to. But I've always loved him the same. I don't want to deal with them."

"Then we don't deal with them for a while."

"It won't change anything. They still won't understand and he'll still be dead." I closed my eyes and sighed. "He'll still be dead."

"Come on," Connor reached out his hand. I looked at it, deciding whether or not I should take it. Slowly I put out my hand, Connor got a hold of it and held it tightly. "See, baby steps." I think I nodded, I'm not sure.

"What are we going to do now?"

"We'll just go back to the house. Dawn made some dinner. She made me a sandwich before, it was good-"

"Don't get any ideas." I warned him.

"No offence, but 'ew.' In another life, you would have been my mom. She'd be my aunt. I don't want to think about it."

"You're okay. I think I might like you."

"Same."

I smiled at him. He doesn't look too much like Angel, or too much like Darla. That'll make it easier to be around him. He smiled back. A half-smile.

"No." I pulled my hand out and took a few steps back. "No, no, no."

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

"You smile like him. Don't. Please, don't." I began sobbing and my legs gave way. I hit the ground. I continued to cry. Connor rushed forward and put his arms around me. "It hurts so much. Make it stop, make it stop."

"I know, I know it hurts. But it'll get better."

"How do you know? How can this ever feel better?"

"It has to. Or we're not going to survive this."

"I miss him." I admitted, "I want him to come back." So that he can be with me.

"I know. I know." Said Connor soothingly. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

"Don't make empty promises."

"I'm not. It will be okay. I just know it will. It has to." Connor told me, "I'll be here to help you through it."

"I know. Thank you, for everything."

"It's a pleasure. 'Sides, I get to know the family I might have had. I want to meet everyone once you're ready."

"You'll either love or hate Xander. He's like the crazy cousin, who sometimes says things at the wrong time. Willow, you've met her."

"Yeah, but it was kinda hectic. And I wasn't the best person back then."

"And you've met Dawn. Then there's Giles, he'll be fascinated with you. 'Vampires as parents, how ever did that happen?'" I said in a pompous British accent, although it sounded nothing like Giles.

"Great, I'll be an attraction for all to stare at and poke with medical equipment."

"As if that would happen, you'd kick their asses."

"Are you still drunk?"

"Yup."

"Okay, come on." Connor got up, pulling me up with me. He helped steady me, then let go. "You hungry?"

"I could eat two horses."

He chuckled, "Let's go then."

We began to walk along the side of the road. It was fairly narrow and the curb wasn't very high. Go thing, I can't really lift me feet too high. Connor walked silently beside me. I could tell he was on the lookout for any 'disturbances,' demons, vamps etc…his eyes were combing the darkness. I know that I'm a slayer and I should be doing that stuff, but if he wants to, fine by me.

"So, what was in the letter? Exactly."

"Not telling, and you're not going to read it."

"Why not?"

"He told me not to."

"What?!"

TBC…

Sorry about the long wait, hope it was worth it. Thanks to all who have reviewed so far, I never thought it would be this popular. So thank you very much. Next part is from Dawn's POV, but it won't be out still the end of the month (January), I'm going on a holiday and very much doubt being able to update till I get back, Maddy.


	5. Looking Out For You

**PART FIVE:** (From Dawn's POV).

I placed the last of the plates on the table, then looked hopefully out the window. Connor and Buffy weren't back yet and I was beginning to get worried. Angel's dead and Buffy's bound to have a meltdown anytime soon if she hasn't had one already.

Willow seemed upset on the phone and promised to pass on the news to the others. But I can't help but think that she was partly pleased that Angel was dead. Maybe, I'm imagining it. God, I hope I am. Buffy will not be able to handle her friends being against her right now.

_Knock, knock._

"Finally…" I ran from the dining room and to the front door. "Connor, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me and I have Buffy."

"Thank God you found her." I said pulling open the door. "I was getting worried."

Connor led Buffy into the house, my sister looked awful. "She got a little drunk."

"Buffy? Drunk?"

"Only a little." Buffy said, "I could have drunken a lot more, but the guy put the moves on me."

"Huh?"

"Not sure." Replied Connor. "Where should I put her?"

"In the living room for moment, I guess. I hope she doesn't have a hang-over when the Gang gets here tomorrow."

Connor's eyes darkened, but he didn't say anything, just held on to Buffy and he walked her into the living room. I slowly followed them, trying to think of any way to help Buffy and/or Connor.

"Here, Buffy, sit down."

"Why for?" mumbled Buffy as she fell face-down onto the lounge. "I don't want to sit down."

"No, but you'll lie down." I said, I'm so sorry, Buffy. "We'll leave her here while we have some dinner, okay?"

"Sure, I need to talk to you alone anyway." Said Connor, he walked out of the room without looking back.

I grabbed one of the throw blankets and placed it over Buffy, she was talking incoherently and I didn't catch any of it.

"I'm so sorry." I then also left the living room and went into the dining room where Connor was pacing along side he long table. "What's wrong?"

"She doesn't want to see them yet."

"Who?"

"Her friends. She doesn't want to deal with them, so you'll have to ring them back and tell them not to come."

"What? She needs them here! They are her friends, you don't even know them, I do. She needs them here. An-Angel's dead." I started crying, "she-she needs them he-here."

Connor sighed, "I'm sorry that you're hurting. I haven't really been thinking about you in all this. You might need them here, but Buffy can't have them here right now. She'll freak."

I nodded and turned away using the table as support. The tears continued to fall from my eyes. It hurt that Connor didn't come to comfort me, damn it! Stop being selfish, he wasn't – isn't – your soulmate. You need to focus on Buffy here, focus on Buffy, not on –

"Connor…" I spun around. Connor was leaning against the world, hunched over shaking from silently crying. "Oh…crap." I ran towards him and stood nervously next to him. "Are you okay? No, you're not. Can I do anything?"

He didn't answer, just kept crying silently.

"Here, sit down." I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him back against the wall, then practically force him to sit on the ground. "I'm sorry." I apologize sitting next to him, also leaning against the wall. "We were both thinking about only two people. Me: myself and Buffy, you: yourself and Buffy…and Buffy, well, I don't think she can form an actual thought that can be called a thought at the moment."

Connor calmed down and wiped the tears from his face with the back of his sleeve. "I just don't know what to do. I don't know you, Buffy or any of your friends, we all lost someone close to us and have at one point helped to save the world, but that's where any similarities end."

"I know. But…we are in this together whether we have anything in common or not. We lost Angel, that's a big thing to have in common."

"Your friends, do they like my dad?"

"That's an incredibly long and frustrating story. Half of me doesn't know when to begin, and the other doesn't want to start."

He laughed. "I want to hear it, from you, someone who was there seeing everything because no one was seeing you."

"That's an odd thing to say."

"Angel told me to ask you stuff as well in my letter." He confessed.

"He wrote about me?" I asked, touched that he'd even consider me in his goodbyes.

"Yeah, like a typical dad, told me to look after the two most important women in his life that are alive."

"Really?"

"You and Buffy were pretty important to him, it's not hard to see why. When this is all over, can we still keep in touch?"

"I'd like that. Buffy will need a link to him, she'd like it." We could almost be family in some weird twisted way, I thought. He's the son of my sister's soulmate, for once I wish something completely normal could happen, no supernatural stuff for at least a week.

"Maybe, we'll see what happens."

"Connor, could you tell me about you first, I read Buffy's letter – don't start on how wrong _that_ is, 'cause I know – but I'd like to hear it from you."

"Sure, why not. But when the others get here, I'm only gonna say it once, got it?" he said with a hint of a smile. I didn't smile on the outside, but a part of me was happy that we could still smile considering the circumstances.

"I can't promise that Giles won't ask you to repeat it at every chance and maybe get you to write it down, but, okay."

The story that followed…I wasn't ready for it. Does Buffy know it is this detail? If so, how does she handle it, the jealousy, the pain, the regret and not having what Angel did, not having it with him? Maybe she is stronger than even I realise.

_**(page break)**_

I leaned over my sister and bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. She was snoring, something I'd never seen – well, heard – her do before. Must be a drunk thing. Connor was standing beside me, also looking at Buffy. He told me his long story, it took nearly an hour, and now we were going to move Buffy up into her room, then I had to ring Willow, Xander and Giles to tell them not to come for a while, something I don't feel like doing.

"Should we move her?" I asked, "she seems peaceful."

"Wasted is not peaceful," said Connor. "It would be better if she woke up in her own bed, wouldn't it?"

"I guess. Okay, you carry her and I'll go make her bed ready."

Connor nodded and went to pick Buffy up. I turned and ran quickly up the stairs and into Buffy's room. She had the largest bedroom in the house, it was quite beautiful. A huge canopy bed was pushed against the right wall, with a bedside table on each side. I walked around the lounge that was placed at the end of the bed, we call it the comfy lounge, it is the most comfortable lounge in the house, and for some totally unfair reason the lounge is in Buffy's room.

Once I got to the top of the bed, I pulled down the covers and the sheet, propped the pillow and turned to see Connor carrying Buffy into the room, looking very 'crossing the threshold.' Eww, in different circumstances, Buffy could be Connor's mother!

"Here," I reached out to help, and it occurred to me that I really couldn't do anything till she was on the bed, so I let me arm fall to my side. Most unexpectedly, I got a sudden feeling of helplessness.

Connor put Buffy gently onto the bed, I snapped out of my reverie and pulled the covers over her body and up to her shoulders. I nodded my head and turned to go, Connor was sitting on the comfy lounge, starring into oblivion.

Damn it, I hate this! I want to pick something up and throw it, I want to kick the shit out of some demon, I want to do something to get it out of me. What? What out of me? I don't know, this is so different from when Mom died, even from when Tara died, or Anya and even Spike. I don't know what it really is, because I cared – care – about Angel a lot too. Is it different every time?

"I would ask if you were okay, but you're not."

"Thanks for kinda asking anyway."

"I hate this." I said sitting down next to him, this lounge is really comfy. "But it keeps happening, people keep on dying and leaving…" I sighed, "I just hate it."

"Yeah. It does suck."

I laughed a bit, I know he wasn't trying to be funny, but I needed to laugh at the absurdity of this whole thing. Angel wasn't - isn't – one to stay down, he has come back so many times, okay only a couple, but he's like Buffy when it came to dying, they came back.

Connor smiled and got to his feet, I've got to call my parents. They don't know that I'm here and I should probably tell them that I won't be coming back for a while-"

"You know, you don't have to stay."

"I do. No one knows him in the States, his friends are all dead. You and Buffy, and maybe the others are all that's left. No use grieving with people who don't really care."

"I'm sure your parents would care."

"They don't know, I'm not really their son. I couldn't tell them, I don't want to. I hate lying, it's new for me, but I have to."

"I know what that feels like."

"So, I'll go ring them." He started walking out of the room, then stopped and turned back, "Have you rung the others yet?"

"No," I shook my head. "Not yet."

"I'll be quick then." He turned and walked out of the room. I got up from the comfy lounge and looked at Buffy as she slept.

She looked peaceful, but then again, it could be because she's off her face with drunkenness. I wonder if she's dreaming, or if they're nightmares. I once heard Buffy telling Willow not long after she came back from her AWOL session in LA, that she was having dreams with Angel in them and this was before he came back from Hell. Back then, I found it terribly romantic and sad, now I wish she was having one of those dreams right now.

"I hope you have nice dreams, you deserve them, Buffy. More than anyone else."

TBC...  
Sorry for the long wait, hope you guys liked it though and you know the drill: read and review, luv Maddy.


	6. Pain and Suffering

**PART SIX** (from Buffy's POV)

I woke up and I wasn't were I was when I closed my eyes. Did that make sense? I'm not sure, my head feels like it fell off, except as I reach up to put my hand on my forehead, I realise my head _is_ still there.

"Well, that's a shame." I mumble and sit up. "Wow, head rush. Oh, and nausea." I bolt out of the bed and sprint across the room and into my ensuite, where I throw up the contents of my stomach.

_**

* * *

**_

"Buffy, are you okay?" asked Dawn from the other side of the ensuite door.

"Do I have to answer that? It's a complicated question." I sighed and let my head hit the tiled wall. Much too complicated question.

"How's your up-chuck reflexes?"

"I thought I told you to stop quoting that bloody movie."

"10 Things I Hate About You is a classic movie and is worthy of being quoted." Retorted Dawn, "do you want anything?"

"Angel."

"I can't get you that, I'm sorry, but it's not possible."

I know, it sucks doesn't it. I want to scream and shout and cry and…I want to die, then I can be with him. I just want to be with him.

"I miss him, Dawnie." A tear forms in my eye and it runs down my cheek. "I didn't realise how much I did, until he was-"

"Buffy, come out of there. Connor, you and I can go do something fun." She said with a laugh, I wanted to hit something really, really hard.

"It's not a good day to do something fun. Please, just leave me alone." God, just leave me alone.

She was quiet for a few moments, then asked: "did you have good dreams?"

"What?"

"Did you dream nice things?"

"No, I didn't, Dawn. He was there."

"But then wouldn't they be good?"

"They are while I'm asleep, but then I wake up and all they are, are dreams. Then they're nightmares because I can't have that when I'm awake."

"I love you, Buffy." Dawn said out of the blue, but I smiled slightly anyway, despite being angry at Dawn just before for being happy. Sometimes you just need to hear that someone loves you, I know I loved it when Angel told me. Don't think about it, him, back then…just don't. Just say it back like you're expected to.

"I love you, too, Dawnie." No, not like you're expected to, but because you do love her. More than anything, she's the one thing you can count on. Stop talking to yourself like you're not here. "Why the display of affection?"

"Because I wanted you to know."

"Thank you."

"Are you sure you don't want to come out? You could eat something." She suggested, I was going to say that wouldn't be a good idea with my hang-over, but she said it for me. "But that could be a bad idea, you might barf all over the nice rug downstairs, or the table, or the lounges-"

"I get it. Go, have fun. Talk to Connor, take him for a walk around the grounds and leave me alone."

"Sure, I'll come and check on you in a few hours."

"Okay, if you want."

After hearing Dawn's footsteps leave the bedroom and the door closed shut, I burst into tears. "Why? Why? Why, damn it?" With clamped fists I slammed the tiled floor, till they broke into pieces and they began to cut my hands, but I still pounded my fists into the tiles. "It's not fair! It's not fair! Why did you do this? Don't you care anymore, I loved you, Angel. I loved you, only you, but you keep leaving. I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

"Buffy!" yelled Connor from outside. I fell silent and rested my hands by my side. "Buffy, open up, or I'll break down the door."

I didn't move, I focused on making myself breathe. In and out, in and out. Focus on breathing, not on the pain in your heart or in your hands. In and out.

"Buffy, open the door." Said Dawn, it's strange that I never heard them come upstairs. "You know you don't want to pay for someone to fix it later."

Still I didn't move. A few seconds later Connor burst through the door, the wood splintered and the lock broke. Connor came skidding into the room, and I heard Dawn scream my name.

"What did you do?" asked Dawn as she rushed to my side. Connor stayed standing a few feet away. "Buffy, what did you do?" she asked again, I kinda shrugged, trying to say: 'isn't it a little obvious?'

"Here." Connor passed Dawn a packet of bandages we keep in the medicine cabinet. Dawn took the packet, tore into the plastic, carefully held up my right arm and placed the bandage on the wounds on the fingers.

"Connor, could you look at the other hand?" Dawn asked, looking over the hand in her hands.

"Sure." Connor said, I heard him go through the medicine cabinet again, he sat on my left side, and did the same as Dawn in trying the fix up my wounds. I didn't really want them to, I'd heal quickly anyway. But over the years, I've come to realise that the people around me like to think they are helping.

"Why did you do this, Buffy?" asked Dawn, again.

"I was angry. I just did it, it doesn't hurt, so don't worry about-" I tried to pull my hands free from theirs, but both held on tight. "Leave it alone."

"No, not happening." Said Connor. "I realise that you're angry, but that doesn't mean you should hurt yourself."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Buffy, we're just trying to help. Stop being such a baby."

I let them finish, but then forced them to leave me alone, at least for a few hours. So there I sat in my now ruined ensuite, broken tiles and smashed door, with bits of wood on the floor and a piece in the basin. The cuts in the hand are starting the close up, I don't know why I did it. I hate that it said just because I was angry, Connor is right: it is no excuse to hurt myself. But I did it, I'm not that sorry about it either. What does that mean? Will I do something like it again? Will I do something much more drastic?

I shudder at the thought, I wouldn't do that to Dawn, my friends, Giles…now Connor. And Angel…I can't help but think that I would be disrespecting him. Giving in and up. maybe this is what Angel went through when I died the second time, feeling like this, wanting to die, but knowing that you shouldn't do it because the love of your life would be mighty pissed if you did. I hate this, that it's happening. I wish that it wasn't.

"I wish that Angel didn't die." I whispered out loud in a small hope of the wish coming true. "I wish that Angel didn't die. Do you hear me? I wish it. Bring him back. I didn't mean what I said before, I don't really hate him. Just brong him back." But nothing happened, not that I expected it would. At least not right away, I know that I'm being incredibly naïve, but I have to cling to that. In my life, I've come to learn that nothing is impossible.

* * *

I fell asleep leaning against the wall of my ensuite, I didn't dream and a huge part of me is grateful. But a small part of me wanted to see him in my dreams. This is different from any other time he's left, this is more permanent, so much more real. Maybe it's because I'm older and have dealt with death more, with my mom, Tara, Spike and Anya. It's not as surreal as it once was…I've become numb to it.

I sat starring at where the door would have been. It was a deep burgundy, kinda of like dark blood. Why does everything have to go back to blood or death. Why can't I have a normal life, with normal people and a normal boyfriend? I don't want to deal with death anymore, I don't want to save people from demons they don't even know exist, I don't want to lose every person that ever meant anything to me. They keep leaving and I don't know what I did to make it happen.

"Buffy are you okay?"

"Connor, what are you doing here?"

"Dawn is making lunch, do you want anything yet, or is your stomach not able to digest food?"

"I might come down, but don't except me to eat anything."

"Sure." Silence. "So are you going to come out."

"Oh, right." I pushed myself to my feet and was quite pleased when I didn't wobble about. "How are you doing?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Yeah, me too." I smiled, but inside, I was angry at smiling. Why are you smiling? Today is not a good day, and tomorrow won't be either. "Did you, uh, tell the Gang not to come till called?"

"Dawn did, then I rang my parents."

"Oh, what did you tell them?"

"That I was in England, helping my vampire father's ex-girlfriend deal with his death."

"You're joking right?"

"Yeah, just the bit about him being a vampire and my father. To quote myself: 'I'm helping a friend deal with her boyfriend's death and I'll be back before the semester starts.'"

"Will you?" I asked, hoping that he'd like to sick around for a bit longer, or at least come back to England every now and then. He's the last bit of Angel left in the world.

"Will I what?"

"Leave when school starts up again?"

"Maybe, I don't know what will happen, it's months away. I'll stay for as long you guys need me."

"What about for as long as you need?"

"Sorry?"

"You lost him too."

"Not like you did."

I nodded, feeling my throat tightened. "But you still lost him too and I'm sick of crying."

"Buffy, about that. I'd like to speak to you-" Connor started, I felt that this would be a heartbreaking conversation, one that I'm not sure I can bear, but Connor lost his father. No matter what he may say about Angel only being his biological father, I know he cares about him dearly. "After lunch, could we…"

"Sure."

"Guys, lunch is ready!" yelled Dawn from downstairs. "Get down here!"

"She's such a nice kid." I said, as we walked out of my bedroom. "Very polite and I only have myself and Xander to blame."

"It'll be fun when I finally meet the others."

"Or living hell, whatever floats your boat." I cringed as the words slipped from my mouth. I also spend too much time with Dawn and Xander, not to mention Andrew. Annoying little nerd.

"Did you just say that?"

"Yeah, but lets pretend I didn't?"

Connor came to a stop and looked pensively at me, I felt uncomfortable and shifted my weight. He kept looking at me as though trying to figure out a problem. I continued to walk towards the staircase, but stopped when Connor spoke.

"Is this where you begin to feel better?"

I turned around to face him, "no, this is where I pretend to be okay."

"Just for the next few hours?"

"Maybe more. I hope I'll be okay for the rest of the day and tomorrow I'll go back to grieving."

"It's a plan."

"You're a bit like your father in the way you joke sometimes. It's out of the blue and not funny all the time. But just don't half-smile, okay. Promise me, you won't do that, 'cause then I'll be back to grieving so fast it'll-"

"Make your head spin."

"Not my head, yours."

"Oh."

"What are you two doing? Get down here before the bread gets crusty!"

TBC...  
Hi all, hope you liked this part, tell me, I'd like it very much. luv, Maddy. Oh, and the next part should be up by the end of the week.


	7. What You Mean To Me

**PART SEVEN **(Connor's POV)

Dawn placed a plate in front of me. It consisted of a sandwich with chicken, mayonnaise and lettuce. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hate mayonnaise. She smiled at me as she sat opposite; Buffy was seated next to her.

"Don't poke your sandwich." Scolded Dawn.

"Sorry, Mom."

"Hey, I'm not your mother. But I am going to tell you what to do."

"I'm not incapacitated. I'm just…dealing."

Dawn sighed and put her hand over Buffy's and squeezed it, Buffy smiled appreciatively. Then the next instant they were both eating their sandwiches, I followed suite. Uhhg, mayonnaise! But I kept quiet and ate it all, besides the awful sauce, the sandwich was very nice. After the meal was over, I offered to help clear the table, but was immediately told by Buffy to stay sitting. I didn't expect that, not from Buffy. I expected Dawn to clear the table while Buffy starred at nothing. It was Buffy who cleared the table. Dawn and I exchanged glances.

"Buffy…" Dawn said slowly. "Are you okay?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Buffy turned her back to us as she began to wash up.

"You're doing housework. You never do housework. Except…"

She didn't finish the sentence, I don't know why, but I do know it has nothing to do with me, so I'm not going to pry.

"I know I don't normally do housework things, but I think that I should. You do pretty much all of it."

"You do patrol and train the new Slayers, you don't have to do everything."

"But I don't do anything. I'm like this useless person who doesn't do anything except kill bad guys and train others to do it. How am I helping you? How am I keeping this house in order? I'm not, that's how. I want to, it'll keep my mind off things."

"Okay, but it doesn't suit you."

"I don't care if it doesn't suit me," Buffy turned the tap off and turned back to face Dawn. It seems they had both forgotten I was there. "This is how I deal during the daylight hours, if it was night…I'd be out there killing things like I do best. But it's day. It's day. I've never seen him during the day," Buffy's face filled with such pain and sorrow and her tears bean to flow. "I used to hate the day, because I couldn't see him. But I now I hate the night because that's when I could."

"Oh, Buffy." Dawn jumped out of the chair and pulled Buffy into her arms, the Vampire Slayer, now a shadow of her former self, not that I knew her before now, but even I could tell that she was – for lack of a better word – broken. "I love you so much, Buffy."

"I know, Dawnie. I love you too."

I was surprised at the show of affection. Ever since I got here Buffy's been emotionally distant – and for good reason – so it's nice to see Dawn bring her back.

"You go rest." Dawn instructed pushing Buffy softly away. The Slayer nodded and smiled at me slightly as she walked out of the dining room. "Could you go follow her and make sure she's gone up to her room?"

"Sure. You don't want me to-" I gestured at the dishes.

Dawn shook her head. "Buffy's well being is a little more important."

"Of course, I'll be back soon. I hope."

"Buffy…?"

"Hi, Connor." Buffy greeted me as I pushed open the door to the large balcony. "Connor. What does your name mean?"

I was momentarily stunned at the question, I-I don't know."

"You should find out. Names are important." Buffy was looking out over the large grounds. They lived in a beautiful property; I wonder how they pay for it. "Did you know my birth name isn't 'Buffy'?"

"No, I didn't know that."

"It's Elizabeth. No one calls me that. No one. I don't know what demon possessed my mother when she decided to call me Buffy. But it's different, it's rare and strange and weird. Like me."

"You're rare?"

"Slayer's are. Not so much anymore, but…still rare."

I walked to the edge of the balcony and stood next to Buffy. This amazing woman captured my father's heart and never let it go. She changed the world. She's died twice. Lost friends. Lost her mother. Now she's lost him. Buffy had an inner strength that I have never seen before; I'd only seen a small glimpse of it in my father. My real father. I'll have to ring my parents again in a couple of days.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" I ask as I lean against the railing.

She looks askance at me, "you're serious?"

"Sure. What do you want to do?"

She smiled the most heartbreaking smile. "I'll decide that tomorrow. No more planning."

"You can't think like that-"

"How can I not?" She also cried out. "Everything can change in _one_ tiny instant. Tomorrow…I was supposed to go to Madrid tomorrow. But I'm not, because everything's changed and I don't know how to get back to what was before. I don't think you can, not meant to. Something. There are no certainties in life."

"Oh course there are."

She laughed bitterly.

"No, really. There is."

"Okay wise one, what are they?"

She was full of dread and hope. I didn't want to fail her; I wanted to give her something that she could always hold onto. "Angel loved you. Loves you. _That_ is certain. Nothing could change that. Not even death."

"Oh, god. I don't know if I can believe that anymore. Love doesn't conquer all, it barely conquers anything. I'm not some naïve little schoolgirl. I haven't been in years and years-"

"Stop it with the self-pitying!"

"Connor, back off." Buffy pushed herself away from the railing; I grabbed her arms before she could get to the door. "Let me go." She tried to shake me off. Thank God for super strength. "Let me go!"

"No, I mean, okay. But listen to me first."

She relented and I pulled my hand away. "Fine. Hurry up."

"I don't know that much about you. But I – I've seen the way you act around Dawn, the way you care her…the way that my Dad's death is affecting you. I know you loved him more than anything. Anyone could see that. But there is something I don't get. I don't get why you don't want your friends here to help you, to get you through this. I'm not your friend, Buffy. I've known you for a few days. I don't know how to help you. You either have to tell me, or get someone who can."

"Alright, I will. But Connor, you are my friend. And Dawn's friend. Don't ever think you're not welcome." Buffy Summers smiled the first truly warm, happy and welcoming smile in days. My heart warmed instantly. There is no use denying that these two women meant something to me. There was something that I couldn't describe.

"Thank you." I think it's the feeling of belonging. I haven't had that feeling since I got my memories back. This was the first time in my life that I really felt I belonged. The first real memory. "That means a lot."

"It's okay. Sometimes I know what people need to hear."

"Sometimes I do too."

She nodded, "it's in your blood. Angel always knew what to say."

"That's good. I've never met anyone like that. He…Angel, we didn't-"

"No need to explain. Well, eventually I want you to. And I'm going to make you give me that letter one day."

"Yeah, whatever. Dad said I could give it to you if _I _thought you were ready." I laughed at her reaction. Buffy's mouth dropped, I could almost see the inner workings of her mind trying to figure out why Angel would do such a thing. I know Buffy believes it's her right to read the letter. But I know she's not ready for it.

"Unbelievable, bloody unbelievable." She muttered walking back into the house. I followed, still laughing.

"Dawn," I greeted her as I walked into the sitting room where Dawn was, well…sitting. "Buffy's fine."

"Whatever that means."

"I know. I don't know what else to do."

Dawn's face filled with confusion. "What were you supposed to do?"

"I'm here to help. I don't know how to do that."

"Did you just take a crazy pill or something?" she laughed to herself. "You're helping. I'm helping. Time's helping. Buffy is even helping herself, which I'm a little – okay, a lot – surprised at."

"I think I'll stick around for a while. The weather leaves a lot to be desired. But it's still kinda-"

"Pretty?"

"Yes, except I don't say 'pretty.' It's nice."

Dawn put down the book she had been reading, "so where's Buffy?"

"Right here." Buffy had silently entered the room. I was once again amazed at the skills of a vampire slayer. "Good timing, huh?"

"Or you were spying on us." Dawn added, smirking at her sister.

"You guys aren't that interesting. So what's up?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering where you might have scampered off to."

"I don't scamper! What does it even mean?"

"Not the point," I said, jumping in. "Are you okay?"

"Fine. I was," she let out a long breath and fed her fingers through her hair. Dawn and I watched on patiently. "I was thinking that maybe the others could, you know, come here. I want to see them. I'm ready to see them."

Dawn smiled triumphantly, "that's good, Buffy. I'll ring Giles." Dawn left the room at top speeds.

Buffy nodded after Dawn had already left. "Okay." She said to no one in particular. "I'm gonna go for a walk." That part she said to me.

"Sure, do you-"

"Alone. I'll be back by sundown. If not, then you can come looking."

I nodded.

"Thank you, Connor. For everything." Buffy reached out and gave me a hug. I hugged her back. "You'll never know how much you meant to your father. We have that in common."

"Which part?" I asked as we pulled away.

"I'll never really understand, or know how much I meant to him." She bit her lip; I could see tears forming in her grey eyes. "I wish I did." She smiled bravely and left the room as quickly and silently as she had entered it. I fell into the nearest armchair and wept.

TBC…

Damn, it took me long enough to update, didn't it? Tell me what you thought and remember, I will always reply if given some way to contact you. Love, Maddy.


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